Sunday, October 10, 2010

He knows your name...he sees each tear that falls...

Thought I would share with you what I spoke on at "In our hearts forever" at Riverview Hospital on October 9, 2010. It was a memorial service for anyone experiencing the loss of a child through mis carriage, stillbirth or infant death...

Two years ago life for me would change, so radically, so profoundly, that it would shake me to the core and I never again would be the same person.

You see, I was a mommy of 3 beautiful little girls. I felt overwhelmingly blessed , cherished them and prayed I could be a good mommy to them.
I loved being a mom and after much prayer and consideration, we decided to add another family member, and where so excited to find out we where expecting another baby GIRL!

My excitement grew when I saw her in an ultrasound for the very first time. At 15 weeks she was as wild as she could be! Kicking her long skinny legs and waving her arms. I knew she would fit in with her photogenic sisters.

Soon after that things started to change. I started having very intense cramping on and off, and spotting here and there. All things I never experienced with my other 3 pregnancies. Overall, I felt as though something was wrong.

At 24 weeks, not feeling her move, I was sure my instincts where proving to be true.

I spent the weekend praying..." God give me peace or help me know for sure if something if I should go in and get checked out." I never had that peace, so I went in right away.

My Doctor searched for several minutes, which seemed to be hours, for a heartbeat, finally giving up, sending me to ultrasound, where it was confirmed, our little Jenalyn Marie had died.

Gods plan for our daughters life, was so very different than what we had planned for her.I planned on carrying her full term, delivering her, wrapping her in warm blankets and kissing her soft skin. I planned on watching her grow along side her sisters, hearing her first words, seeing her first steps and kissing her first boo-boo. Instead I was planning her funeral.

What do you do when, "Congratulations on your baby girl" turns to "We are so sorry for your loss" ? I didn't know. I had never in my life experienced such anguish and pain.
My heart was broken beyond repair.
I wanted for nothing more than to hold her once more and never let go.

The only thing I knew to be true, steadfast and never changing was Gods love for me.
I didn't even know what to pray, I just cried, cried and cried some more.

A bible verse that meant so much to me was, " 1 Corinthians 1:3 " Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles."

Even though I had been feeling a deep pain, I had never experienced, I also felt an incredible peace that drench ted me from head to toe, it caught everyone of my tears and gave me enough strength to make it one more day.
I knew just as much as God was wrapping his arms around me, those same arms where rocking my baby sleeping in heavenly peace.

You see, I know when I die, I will see my daughter again. That peace I had came from the faith I have. I have put my faith in Jesus Christ as my savior. I have the hope of heaven and the promise of eternity.
I do not fear death or its evil sting, the heartbreak or the turmoil it claims on our hearts. No, I can look forward to the day when I meet my savior face to face, behold his glory and majesty.
Then I will ask him, " Where's my little girl, Jesus? Take me to her, I have waited so long."
And when I see her again, I'm going to scoop her up in my arms, smell her hair, hold her close to my chest and tell her over and over again, just how much her mommy loves her.

I want to share with you that there is hope. You can have peace. Even on days when it feels you are drowning in sorrow, God hears your cries and wants for nothing more than to heal your heartache.

1 Peter 5:7 says " Cast all your anxiety (cares) on him,because He cares for you."

And I know this to be true!

There is probably not a minute that goes by that I don't think of our precious Jenalyn. But, with Gods grace, I persevere on and look forward to being with her someday.

On a happy note- 3 1/2 months ago, I gave birth to a 9 lb. 5 oz. beautiful baby girl, named Brooklyn Faith. She is helping heal my broken heart one day at a time, along with my three other wonderful daughters.

I thank God many, many times a day for those little blessings and allowing us to share our loves with little Brookie.
Be encouraged that you will laugh again and God will give you all the strength you need to heal again.

Please pray for me and my dear friend Shelly, who also shared that day, and has also lost a son to stillbirth and had two miscarriages after that. The hospital is trying to put in motion for Shelly and I to have a Support Group there for woman who have experienced the same tragedy in their own lives. As hard as it is for us to talk about, we want to take this terrible circumstance, and turn it around for the Glory of God. We would love to see lives touched and woman come to know Christ through our ministry, so that they could recieve true healing from the Lord.